


Living your nightmares

by Iapetos



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Nightmares, Set after 9x9, kinda unhappy ending, light spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-15
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:56:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2308844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iapetos/pseuds/Iapetos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Someone forced Dean to see Cas being tortured every night he dreams. Cas eventually appears, healthy and well, but will he be able to stop it with everything else going on? While searching for a way to help Dean, Cas stumbles across something Dean denied himself for a long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fanfic, so I hope you like it..  
> Warning: this does not have a apple-pie ending, I just like a little heartbreak every now and then. If you don't like that, just don't read the last chapter.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any related characters. I just like playing with them.

Cas wasn't screaming. It frustrated the other to no end. Although his eyes were screaming in agony, Cas somehow still had the will and power to keep from screaming. Dean picked up the angel sword again and got closer to the angel strapped to the chair in front of him, bound by sigils in the handcuffs. He slowly, delightfully, drew the sword across his chest. When all he got in response was a stiffening of the body, he let the blade sink deeper into the angels' vessel. Finally, Cas couldn't hold it back any more. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and Dean relished in the sound. He withdrew his sword, only to bring it down again, this time dripped in demon blood. Cas was twitching against the restraints, begging Dean to stop. Dean smiled. After a while of watching the angel squirm in pain, he decided to put him out of his misery. He advanced again and put his blade through Cas' stomach. It was the slowest and most painful way to die of a stab wound. He pulled the blade out and looked at it.   
Suddenly he gasped as he looked from the bloody blade in his hand to Castiel slowly dying, tied to a chair, realizing what he had done. A pain settled in his stomach as he advanced the dying angel only to get worse, when he saw him flinch. He dropped the blade and knelt at his feet. I'm sorry.   
Dean woke with a gasp, curling in on himself, as the guilt and pain of what he had done coursed through his body. These dreams had been going on for a while. Every night he dreamt of him torturing Cas and liking it, only to come to his senses in time to see him die in agony. By now he was already somewhat convinced that he did in fact kill Cas or at least hurt him severely. After all, dreams always carry a message, a certain truth, don't they?  
Slowly Dean got out of bed, cursing his life. He walked through the empty bunker to the kitchen. He knew this would be a day like the others: wake up from the nightmare, go eat, try to find a way to get rid of the dickhead that had taken control of Sammy and in the evening drink enough to hope there will be no dreams, all the while trying to ignore the flashbacks from his dream and the excruciating cries haunting him.   
Today turned out to be a different. After Dean finished breakfast halfheartedly, there was a knock on the door. Grabbing his gun he had half a mind to yell at whoever it was. When he saw who stood in the doorway, he staggered backwards.  
"Cas?"   
He asked, as the joy from seeing the angel alive battled with the sudden pain in his chest as he remembered the previous nights.  
"Hello Dean" the angel answered in his signature greeting as he entered.  
Cas proceded to stare at Dean as he had done so often, but Dean found, that he couldn't maintain the eyecontact any longer, because of the images flashing through his head.   
"Come on in" Dean said awkwardly after a while and started to go towards the kitchen. Cas followed him.   
"You want something?" Dean asked when he finally reached the kitchen. When he looked at Cas expectantly and he saw him bloddied instead, he quickly turned away. Was it too hard to just be glad the angel had come back to him - alive! - without him feeling guitly or having some kind of creepy flashback from his weird-as-hell dreams every fricking time he looked at him?!  
It took Cas a while to answer. "A coffee would be nice, thank you."  
Glad for something to do, Dean got to work.  
"Er, why don't you go sit at the table?"  
When the coffee was ready, he poured it into two cups and brought them over to where his angel sat. Drinking his coffee, Dean let his eyes wander over the bookshelf across from him.  
"Dean," Cas began hesitantly. "what's wrong?"   
Dean suppressed a sigh. He was so not ready to talk about it.   
"Nothin' Cas. What makes you think that?"  
"Then why won't you look at me?"  
Well, he could no longer glare at the bookshelf now, could he? But the moments their eyes met, he saw it again.   
Dean, please. STOP!  
The memory of Cas begging took his breath for a moment. His chest felt like his heart had been ripped out and he tried really hard not to flinch. Cas still noticed it. Dean lowered his eyes.  
How could you do that to your best friend? Because that was the worst part. Not him actually doing it, but the fact that he had thought about it. And he had have to think about it a lot for it to reach his dreams.   
"Dean," please! "Are you alright?" Cas asked, clearly concerned now.   
"I'm fine." Dean answered standing up and heading back to the kitchen. If he was to get through today, he would need some help, he thought to himself as he reached for the Jack Daniels in the cupboard. This was going to be a long day.


	2. Chapter 2

That night it got worse. Dean had thought Cas being here and being unharmed would somehow make the dreams go away. Of course it would not be this simple. He woke with a start, the image of Cas dying with an accusing and disgusted look directed at him still fresh on his mind. He could still feel the urge to somehow heal him, tell him he was sorry, although he had said it himself: that's not gonna cut it. Not this time.   
When he looked around, he saw Cas standing near his bed. Pain flared up in his chest again. "Dammit Cas, how often do I need to say this?! It's just creepy!" He tried for anger and sarcasm, because that was way better than the alternative. It didn't sit right, though. If he'd had time to compose himself before being confronted by the angel, then maybe it wouldn't sound so weak.   
"Dean,..." Cas started then trailed off. He looked unsure what to say, even spooked.  
"What is it, Cas?" Dean asked when the other didn't attempt to finish the sentence.  
Cas advanced slowly, hesitantly, as if afraid of his reaction. When he sat next to Dean, he began to speak again.  
"Dean, I saw your dream."  
Dean's shoulders hunched in guilt and he felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. He had to look away. Great. Now Cas would think he liked inflicting pain on him. That he somehow got a kick out of it.   
"Look, Cas" he said, interrupting him, before he could say more. He couldn't listen to him telling Dean how rightfully pissed and disgusted he was of his 'friend'. Not now. "I'm sorry. I don't..." Even to his own ears he sounded miserable. What could he possibly say to that? This was the lamest apology for what he had done. In his head he could hear himself answering to Cas' apology a month ago. Not this time. So you can take your little apology and cram it up your ass. Although he had almost already forgiven him then. It just had hurt so much to know Cas hadn't trusted him enough to come to him for help. Again. So he tried to go down a path where it wouldn't hurt like that again. He had tried not to let Cas come this close to him again. It had hurt like a bitch hearing the angel mutter his agreement to Dean's accusations in that broken voice of his.  
"Dean, I don't..."  
Dean interrupted him again, before he could say the words, that would destroy him.  
"Cas, please. Just..don't"  
At that the angel faltered. He sat with Dean silently for a moment before vanishing.  
Equally reliefed and anguished at the angels disappearence, Dean lay down again, curling in on the pain in his chest. He had lost Kevin, Sam was God knows where and now he was on the brink of losing Cas, too. Again he had royally messed everything up. Probably served him right.  
Groaning he got up a few hours later. He hadn't really dared going back to sleep, because he knew what awaited him. It didn't really matter, because the images still haunted him.   
He went to the kitchen and - as he always did when the emotions, especially the painful ones, were too much to handle - he grabbed the bottle of vodka.   
"Isn't it a little early for that?" A deep voice asked behind him. He turned around. Sure enough Cas stood in the doorway his head slightly tilted to the side. Dean figured he couldn't avoid Cas all day, especially if there was no one else in the bunker. Inwardly flinching at the thought of having to have a heart-to-heart with the angel, he took a deep sip from the bottle. Outwardly he shrugged "It's 2 am somewhere."  
That was the same response he had given Anna after she had cought him drinking in the morning to dull the guilt of selling her out, even though he hadn't really had a choice.   
"Dean, we need to talk"  
Gulping down more vodka he turned to face the angel. He was so not ready for this.  
"Yeah, I figured."  
He gestured for Cas to follow him to the living room onto the couch. Once they sat down he turned to Cas, not quite meeting his eyes.  
"Shoot" he said, bracing himself.  
Cas just cocked his head, confused.   
"Figure of speech, Cas." If he weren't so fidgety, Dean would have rolled his eyes.   
"It means 'go ahead'" the hunter clarified, as the other still didn't respond.  
"Dean, I saw what you dreamt about last night." Dean let his head hang low in shame, but Cas gripped his shoulder turned him around so they were face to face. "Dean, look at me." Cas said gently. When Dean eventually did look in Cas' face, all he saw was compassion. Somehow that was even worse.   
"I saw what you dreamt about last night, but something was off."  
"You mean, apart from the fact, that I..." Dean tried to go with the sarcasm again, but he couldn't get the words out.   
"How can you even look at me?" The hunter asked bewildered.   
"Dean, that's not what I mean." Cas replied softly. "There was another presence in your dream. I believe another angel may have altered your subconsciousness."  
Dean perked up at that. So it wasn't him then?  
"Are you saying, that some dick angel went all Inception on me?"  
Cas tilted his head in his I-don't-understand-that-reference-gesture, to which Dean made a dismissive wave of the hand.   
"So some angel did this to me? It wasn't me, who..." His voice broke again. But anyone could hear the hope in the previous sentence. His desire to believe he wasn't that far off the reservation.   
"Don't you have to posess someone to do that kinda crap?"   
Then again, Cas had come to him in his dreams, but he had always appeared in his dreams, not manipulated them or him in them. And then there had been Zachariah's various glimpses of different realities...  
"No, Dean. We don't have to."  
"If you want", Cas went on after a short break, "I could determine which angel it was, who gave you those dreams."   
"How?"  
"I would need to touch you soul."  
"You mean like you did with the Aaron kid?"  
"Yes. I'm afraid it will hurt." Cas added.  
Dean squared his shoulders. "Let's roll"  
Like he had, when doing the same on Sam, Cas gave Dean his belt to bite on so he wouldn't bite his tongue, then he went to work.   
It hurt like hell. Dean should know, he's been there after all. But somehow Dean found he didn't mind. This was his penance. After all the pain he had caused Cas - it didn't matter that it had only happened in his dreams - he felt he didn't have the right to shy away from pain. Cas deserved his revanche. Dean deserved this. Maybe, just maybe if he had paid his dues, he wouldn't have to go for alcohol in order to sleep.   
Cas withdrew with a sharp intake of breath. He looked angry, as he took his belt from Dean's mouth. After putting it down, he took Dean's face in his hands and glared at him.   
"Dean, don't you dare think that! I was not doing it to hurt you, only to help. You know it wasn't you. You don't deserve any pain from me!" His voice turned gentle "Why do you persist on feeling like you don't deserve happiness, like you don't deserve to be saved?"  
Dean tried to avoid his eyes, which was impossible given their distance or lack thereof. Finally he spoke:  
"Did you find out who it was?"  
Cas withdrew his hands. As soon as he did, Dean's head dropped, averting his gaze.   
"No, not yet. I withdrew too early. It would not do for you to suffer through this thinking you somehow deserve it. We can do this again later, but not today. I will do it if you have changed your mind."


	3. Chapter 3

Later that day, Dean finally found a lead on where to find Sam, well the angel possessing him anyway. He had been two states over a day ago, so that is where he would start. Besides it was probably a good idea to get out of the bunker for a while. Maybe he could look for a hunt on the way. He packed his bags.  
"Where are you going?"  
Cas had appeared between the door and Dean.  
"Found a lead on Zeke, or whoever the hell he is. He's been to Montana lately."  
"I'll go with you."  
Dean could tell, that arguing would only make Cas more determined to go.   
The car ride was uneventful. They didn't exchange many words. At night, they got a motel and out of habit Dean ordered one room with two beds, earning himself a strange look. He refrained from rolling his eyes. Bad enough people had thought he and Sammy were a couple, but he and Cas? It was just weird. He decided to ignore the part that said, he might actually like it.

He was in the cellar again, with Cas tied to the chair. The difference this time was, that he was aware of everything. He moved as if to untie him, but his hand grabbed a paper laying nearby without him doing it. He tried to step back, but his body didn't respond. Then he opened his mouth, chanting from the paper in his hands. By now Dean was close to panicking. What was going on?   
A sense of dread settled in his stomach, as he slowly saw wings manifesting.   
"No" he intended to say, but what came out of his mouth was "Well, this should be fun."  
His hand picked up the angel blade once again and he strode over to Cas until he stood righ behind him.  
His hand brought down the sword and sliced through the wing. Nothing that would kill him, but it was extremely excruciating.   
Cas screamed. Dean wanted to yell at himself "stop! Why are you doing this?! STOP!" but he had no control over his body, much less his mouth or hands.   
After his hands had done the same to the other wing and Dean had almost reached a state of sobbing and screaming nonstop, his hands put the sword away.   
They landed lightly on top of the wings, close to where they connected to Cas' back.  
"You know why I am so good at this?" He heard himself saying. As he leaned closer to Cas' ear he continues, "I've had paractice. Ten years of it in hell." He straightened "for a while I hated myself for it, but I had held out for thirty years. I see now" he said, caressing the wingbone "I wasn't to blame for the apocalypse. It was you. I had been in Hell for thirty years. You should have been there earlier. You" he raised his voice a little, strengthening the grip on the wing, "were too late!" With the last word, there was an audible snap, as the bone was broken. The heartpiercing scream, that came out of Cas' mouth made Dean want to curl in on himself. An angel wasn't supposed to sound like that. Dean started sobbing and screaming again, begging himself to stop. Whatever it took, just stop hurting Cas.  
His mouth had other ideas. "This" snap "is your fault." Then he went to work, destroying both wings. Dean could barely stand hearing Cas in so much pain. Dean was screaming and begging and struggling, except, that he wasn't. He broke bones in the most sensitive part of the angels body, slashed it and laughed.  
After a while, his body stopped and he walked around to face Cas.  
"What do you think, angel?" He heard himself ask as he twirled the sword in his bloody hands, "you ready for round two?"  
"Go to hell"  
"I've been there, but thanks for the reminder."  
He said, as he started up again.

Dean woke up to a raw throat and wet cheeks. Cas was laying next to him, awkwardly hugging him. As soon as he registered someone holding him, he struggled to get free.   
"Dean. It's me." Cas said, as he noticed that Dean was awake and freaked.   
Despite himself, Dean relaxed in the embrace.   
"You were having another nightmare." Cas said by-way of explanation.   
"Thank you, Captain Obvious."  
After a while, Dean pushed Cas' arms away and sat up. However, when the angel tried to meet his eyes, he couldn't. He could see the angel tense in response.   
"Dean, I do not enjoy seeing you in pain."  
Dean snorted at that. "Yeah, well.." He interrupted himself "any idea how to stop it?"  
"If I could find out which angel did it, we could trap him and get him to stop."  
Dean still felt exhausted from his dream. "Yeah, nothing we haven't done before." It still sounded weak.   
After a rather uncomfortable silence, he continues "I'm sick of it. I don't want to wake up every night from another nightmare, still seeing myself torturing you." His voice broke a little at the end.  
Cas gathered him in an awkward hug. "You don't have to. We will find whoever did this and today you can rest assured. Contrary to what you believe, you don't deserve pain."  
Despite himself, Dean found himself relaxing. It felt so good, to feel like someone cared about him.  
Trust Cas to disturb his little peaceful bubble.   
He broke the embrace and said "you wanted to look for Sam here?"  
"Not quite." Dean answered, going back into hunter mode. "This is just a stop, because I needed some sleep before driving the rest of the way. We should probably hit the road soon, unless you've got something to do here?"  
"Dean," the angel looked almost nervous "I would like to look at your soul again, if you think you can controll yor thoughts."  
He looked at Dean expectantly, who nodded. He should be able to keep himself from thinking what had disturbed the angel last time.


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you ready?" Cas asks hesitantly.   
Dean steeled himself. "Go ahead"  
It still hurt just as bad as the last time to have Cas reach for his soul. But this time Cas made sure his thoughts didn't go down the same road as last time. Every now and then, his other hand reached out to copy the handprint on his shoulder. It helped and it wasn't long before Cas withdrew with a reliefed exhale.   
Dean straightened. "Did you get a name?"  
"I did. Do you know Virgil?"  
"Wasn't that the douche that followed us to TV-land? I thought he died alongside the rest of Raphaels followers."  
Cas gave Dean a grudging look. "You mean, when I killed them? He must not have been important enough." After a short brake he continued, as if talking to himself "something's off, though. He would need a lot more power to alter you dreams so constantly, without visiting you every night."  
Dean thought about that for a while, then he said "could he have juiced up with some souls? I mean Balthezar did the whole selling-your-soul-business."  
Cas seemed to ponder that for a while before saying "it seems possible. If he did that, there is no telling how powerful he is. He might just make it permanent or worse if we were to trap him."  
"Great. Just what we need. Isn't there something we can do?"  
Suddenly Cas looked uncomfortable.   
"What?"  
"You will not like it." Cas predicted.  
"Spit it out, Cas"  
"The only possibility for you to leave such an encounter unharmed is if you were a vessel."  
"What do you mean? Appearently I am Michaels ... oh, you've got to be kidding."  
Dean said, realizing what the angel was asking.  
"You mean, you have to posses me?" He asked incredulously. After Cas didn't make a move to correct him, he sighed. "Let me think about it.. If it's the only way..."  
Cas looked at him, confused "I thought you opposed the idea of anyone possessing you."  
"Yeah, well, if it's our only shot. Besides, I trust you." That was a huge understatement. His feelings for Cas had bypassed trust a long time ago and turned into something less platonic he'd rather not analyse. After all, if he let himself feel them, Cas might get hurt. Somehow, the people he loved always ended up dead. It was his curse. He didn't need to be responsible for Cas' death, too.  
"If I were to posess you, I would not have to take control. I could just be there. You would not even notice me." Cas argued.   
"I know." Dean said, thinking of Ezekiel and how he had concealed his presence, so Sam would not notice.  
For a second, Cas looked confused. Then he seemed to realize what Dean was thinking of.   
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."  
Dean interrupted him "nah, it's ok.... you know what, screw that. You have my permision."  
Cas was probably the only one he would ever let posses him.   
Cas looked taken aback. " I did not think you would agree.."  
"Yeah. I mean, I will still be me, right, just with a voice inside my head?"  
"Yes, I will only be there to protect you."  
"Wait," Dean said, suddenly tense again, "does that mean, you will read my mind and memories?"   
"No," Cas comforted him "not if I don't take control"  
Dean relaxed. He didn't like the idea of Cas finding out about all the things he kept locked away in his mind and didn't even allow himself to think about.  
"Well, in that case, go right ahead" Dean said somewhat sarcastically.   
"Dean, this is no laughing matter." Cas chided him.   
"I know." Dean answered, suddenly serious. "Still, I trust you. I give you my 'yes' or however that works.."  
Cas smiled slightly "that's all I need"  
Suddenly the room was filled with a bright blue light. Dean shut his eyes, he knew he'd have them scorched otherwise. This time though, he felt a warmth pass through him and then .... nothing. He opened his eyes, to see Cas lying on the bed, unmoving.   
"Cas?" He asked cautiously  
I am here a voice in his head answered. Of course. That meant... "Jimmy?"  
Dean approached the angel's empty vessel.   
Is he gonna wake up? Dean thought at Cas. Surprisingly that seemed to be all it took to talk to the angel in his head.  
No, his soul went to heaven long ago.  
Ok, good, I guess... Dean hadn't thought of what to do with Jimmy, what to tell him. He hadn't thought of the man who had been hosting Castiel at all.   
'We should probably summon Virgil somewhere else, where there is no Jimmy laying around, blowing the surprise-you-can't-harm-me-'cause-there's-an-angel-inside-me-effect.' Dean thought to himself.  
"Ok, then. Let's get this show on the road."


	5. Chapter 5

Quickly, Dean gathered everything he needed to summon the angel. By now, he had done this often enough to barely think about what he was doing. It helped, that the angel was probably checking what he was doing.   
As soon as he had lit the pot in the middle Virgil appeared in front of them.   
"Glad you could make it." Dean immediately addressed the angel. He got a scowl in response.  
"What grants me the honor of meeting Dean Winchester himself?" Virgil asked sarcastically.  
"You know why." Dean was starting to get really angry. He lit the circle of holy fire the angel had unknowingly appeared in.   
"You messed with my head. You take it back."  
The other had the nerve to smile. "Is that so. What makes you think, I won't just make it worse, now that I see you in person?"  
He can't, right? Dean asked Cas frantically. The response came immediately. No. It was gentle and soothing, like Cas knew he couldn't stand more of this. Beeing in his head he probably did, he could probably read his emotions.   
Throwing his best cocky grin at Virgil, he said "Give it your best shot."  
The angel stared at him and seemed to come to a conclusion.   
"You don't believe me. You don't think it could get worse? Believe me, I have a good imagination."  
That sounded eerily close to what Raphael had said. While Virgil babbled on about how he could make it worse, Dean felt himself slipping into desperation. Seeing that every night would definitely kill him.  
Dean Cas interrupted his thoughts, he can't, but you have to bring him to end it. He won't do anything to enhance it. I'm here.  
Dean turned his attention towards Virgil, who was still talking. With great effort, he smiled at him and repeated "As I said. Give it your best shot. But if you can't, get the hell out of my head!"  
Virgils smile started to waver. He seemed to really try to make good on his threat, but appearently it was no good.  
"See, you can't. Now please, if you would please reverse it, so we can both go back to our lives.."  
Suddenly Virgil changed his entire attitude. "Make me"  
Oh, for the love of .... Dean rolled his eyes. "Why did you do it in the first place" he asked somewhat curiously.   
"Like you don't know. You turned on the Host. We gave you life and you refused to aid us in our quest. Instead you only had your interest in mind."  
"One," Dean interrupted him "you guys didn't give me life, that was Cas, who incidentally I didn't turn my back on. Second, you dickbags tried to jumpstart the apocalypse. That is not my interest at heart, but the interest of the millions you were ok with to toast in the big show-down between Michael and Lucifer!"  
"Don't blame the apocalypse on us," Virgil said with a malicious smirk " you started it"  
No. Suddenly Dean's head was filled with screams again. In his mind's eye he saw the chamber in Hell again. He was vaguely aware of Cas trying to get his attention. He sensed his anguish and hesitation. Then he heard Virgil say "Hello, Castiel."  
Dean was still too fixated in the horrors he committed, when he heard himself say   
"You will release him of this." Appearently Cas had decided to take over. He'd be angry about this, if he was sure, he would be able to shove all thoughts aside and do what needs to be done.   
"Come on, brother. You know he deserves this." Virgil responded. 

Those words cut through to Dean. Of, course. He shouldn't have expected to just go up to an angel -even a dick-angel- and have him reverse whatever he did. Of course he had a reason. A good one. He had always known, that Sam was the better one of the two, hell, Dad had made sure he always looked after the other. He knew he didn't deserve happiness, not before and certainly not after what he did in Hell. But hearing it again still felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. He was vaguely aware of Cas replying "He does not. How dare you torture the Righteous Man? He helped lock Lucifer away again. He knows what is right and even misguided angels cannot convert him. He battled the Leviathans, beings so old and deadly, even angels are afraid of them. How can you say he deserves this?"  
The other angel didn't seem inclined to answer. Suddenly, Dean felt power coursing through his body. For the first time he understood Jimmy when he had said it was like being chained to a comet. He knew, if it weren't in his body, but if he were a by-stander, he would be incinerated.   
Cas repeated his demand "you will reverse it."


	6. Chapter 6

"Make me, Castiel" Virgil said in a voice that said clearly that he had no intention of backing down. He as well began to glow, showing how powerful he was, despite the ring of fire he was trapped in.   
Castiel sighed "why do you insist on this? I don't want to harm you."  
"I told you. He des-"  
"He does not! But if you will not listen to reason, you will listen to force"  
Dean could almost feel Castiel assessing his chances at combat. Virgil was trapped, but there was no way of knowing how many souls he held. Cas himself lived on borrowed grace. He would not be able to do anything. He needed his own grace, he needed.... a soul. Dean silently cursed himself for offering, but he thought to Cas.  
If you need, there is a powerful soul right here.  
You can't mean that Cas sounded startled do you know what holding your soul entails? I will see things you might not want anyone to see.  
Dean cussed silently. Why did it have to be this way. Cas was right, there were things he didn't want the angel to see, and not only because they were ugly. There were also his feelings for the other, which he had gone to great lengths to hide. It had taken himself two of Cas' deaths to figure them out and a third to admit them to himself. No way was he ready to admit them to someone else. It would probably break their relationship, if Cas knew how his feelings had long gone past friendship. Of course it was already a little beaten up, what with Dean having kicked him out of the bunker. That had been hard on Dean, too, but Sammy always came first.   
On the other hand, if he didn't do this, he would continue to have these nightmares and that was something he could not stand. And since Virgil had had some ideas how to make it worse, he had to do it. Dean hoped, Cas would not hold it against him. The angel might not even speak about it. He had seen worse of Dean.   
Bracing himself, Dean answered the angel just do it.  
Dean, are you sure?  
Yes, Cas. I trust you, remember?  
He was ready for the pain, that had come with Cas touching his soul, but appearently holding someone's soul while possessing him was different than touching someone's soul from the outside. It felt .... good. Like someone was caressing it, instead of stabbing it with hot and electrified daggers. He was so lost in the sensation, that he almost missed the fight between the two angels. When he came to, Virgil was on his knees and Cas was trembling with effort to keep him there. Dean had no idea how you hurt angels, but there was blood coming out of Virgils mouth and It seemed like Virgil was unable to heal it, so Cas must be doing something right. Virgils body was convulsing in obvious pain, when Cas made certain movements with his hands.   
"How?" Virgil croaked "you don't have the strength..."  
Cas seemed all to willing to explain. "The soul of the Righteous Man. His soul is pure. Tell me again he deserves to suffer."  
After what seemed like five minutes of Virgil cringing on the floor, Cas repeated his demand again "you will release him, or I will kill you, in which case the curse will still be lifted."  
When Virgil didn't answer, Cas tightened his hands and Virgil writhed on the floor until he finally gasped "Stop! Please. Fine, I will end it."  
Immediately, Cas' hands relaxed and Virgil stood. He snapped his fingers and looked at Cas expectantly.   
Is that it? Dean asked astonished.  
I believe so, but I would need to look into your mind to know for sure.  
Cas, you held my soul. I'm pretty sure I can handle you looking into my head now.  
This seemed to convince Castiel and after a moment, the angel relaxed completely.  
It is done.  
Thanks, Cas.  
Dean shifted his attention to Virgil, who seemed anxious to go lest Cas decided he could still kill him.   
His worry, however, was unnecessary.   
Cas turned around and headed for the door, ignoring Virgil's protests. When he was at the door, he activated the automatic fire extinguisher and it started to rain in the warehouse.


	7. Chapter 7

When they arrived at the motel they had left Jimmy at, the were both relieved. All in all, it had been a success, although they had had to improvise. Once Cas was back in Jimmy's body, Dean felt depleted and had to sit down. He guessed Cas had taken a great amount of strength to power up. He hadn't felt it at the time, but since the angel had been in his body he guessed the strength had still been there, somehow.   
He looked up to see Cas staring at him again. He seemed to ponder something. As he noticed Dean looking at him, he stepped closer.  
"Dean, when I held your soul I saw something" he started awkwardly.  
Dean let his face fall in his hands. Great. He should have known, that it would come back to bite him. Suddenly he felt tired beyond measure and the last thing he needed right now was the angel leaving him.   
Out of a sudden, there were gentle fingers, coaxing his hands away from his face. Cas was now croaching before him, at eyelevel.  
"Dean. You needn't be ashamed. Why do you think I rebelled for you, fell for you and died for you?"  
At that, Dean looked up. He had thought it was because...  
"Because it was the right thing to do, a good cause?"  
"Well, that, too. But, I told you before, I did it, all of it, for you."  
Dean couldn't speak. Does this mean, what he not dared to hope? Was there a chance the angel could love him back?  
Cas seemed to read what he was thinking in his face.   
"Yes, Dean. I love you, too"  
Dean couldn't form a response. He, who always had a way with words was now forsaken by them. So instead he leaned forward and brought their lips together. 

They got up and stumbled to the bed without once breaking their kiss. Dean was too drunk on endorphines to notice, that for once, he was on the bottom. When they had landed on the bed, Dean immediately started undoing the trenchcoat with Cas eagerly following his example. Soon they were both naked.   
When Dean brought his hips up, Cas let out a small gasp. Dean suddenly worried he had to tell the virgin angel how it is done, but then Cas brought his hips down and the lovely friction on his cock immediately dissipated all worries.   
Soon they had settled into a rhythm of cock brushing against cock, their bodies moving against each other. Cas leaned down to kiss Dean again.  
When they parted again, Dean croaked "Lube" and pointed towards his duffle bag. Fortunately, Cas knew what he was talking about and reluctantly got off the bed to search for it.   
Once he found it, he got back to Dean and squirted a good amount on his fingers. As if to distract him, Cas leaned down to kiss Dean, while his lube-slicked finger circled Dean's hole. Since Dean was new to this, he was glad for the kiss to focus on and soon relaxed into it. Still it felt weird as Cas slid the finger past his rim. One finger became two and three and then he felt them hit his prostate. He's never felt anything like this before. He moaned in pleasure as he saw stars.   
The next thing he noticed was, that the fingers had gone. Before he could whine about it, he felt something nudge at his entrance.   
Slowly, Cas pushed in, until the head was completely inside Dean. Then he leaned down to continue kissing Dean. Carefully, Cas brought his hips to Dean's, so he slid farther and farther into the tight channel. Dean felt fantastic. He had never experienced something like this, he had always been the other one, the one doing the penetrating. Sure, there was a stretch, but Cas had prepared him so thoroughly, that there was no discomfort at all. When Cas bottomed out, he couldn't help but gasp at the pleasure of it. He felt so full, yet it was nowhere near painful. He brought up his hands to trail up and down Cas' body, relishing in the fact, that he could. He dragged Cas down, so he was flush against him.   
When he had accostumated to the feeling inside him, he jerked his hips upwards to tell Cas to move.   
Always the good soldier, Cas obeyed.   
Cas pulled out almost completely, only to bring his hips to Dean's again, forcefully. Cas wasn't going slow; he was setting a fast rhythm, but that was how Dean preferred it.   
Dean lifted his legs and put them around Cas' waist, giving him a new angle. With one powerful thrust, Dean saw stars again, feeling absolut pleasure coursing through his veins. Now, Cas was hitting his prostate with every thrust, rendering Dean to a moaning mess, the only words he was capable of saying being 'more', 'Cas' and 'harder'.   
Cas instantly complied, leaving Dean with heat pooling in his stomach.   
With every powerful thrust, with every muttered 'Dean' the heat grew stronger.   
Suddenly, Cas reached down to grab his length, stroking it in time with the rhythm he had set. He brought the other hand up to Dean's shoulder, where his mark was, while he nozzled his face into the junctire between Dean's shoulder and neck.  
Dean tried to hold on as long as he could, but he couldn't hold against the mixture of feelings, that came over his body. Between his prostate getting hit, the hand on his shoulder and the repetetive moan of "Dean", he came so hard, his vision whitened at the edges. As his body clenched down on Cas' cock, he could feel him bottoming out and stilling, coming simultaneously, with each others names on their lips.   
Spent, Cas rolled off Dean. For a moment, they both just lay there, blissful, coming down from their high. As Dean started to feel less boneless, he turned to see Cas looking at him affectionately and he spontaneously did something, Dean Winchester never did. He scooted closer to Cas and fell asleep with his head on the angels chest.


	8. Chapter 8

Dean woke up, feeling happy for the first time in weeks. Months. He felt well rested and hadn't had a nightmare. That means it worked. Relieved, he rolled over to look at the person next to him. With his hair all tousled and a little smile on his lips, Cas looked adorable in his sleep. Huh. Dean hadn't thought the angel needed sleep. That borrowed grace of his seemed to take more out of him than he thought.   
His muscles were a little sore from their earlier activities, but he welcomed it. As much as he had liked getting laid by the random women in the towns they passed through, it still couldn't beat the soreness in his muscles that, on a good day, lasted a day or two.   
As he watched, Cas opened his eyes and Dean was caught in those bright blue eyes.   
"Morning, Cas"  
"Hello, Dean"  
Unable to resist the temptation, Dean leaned over and kissed Cas. He seemed a little surprised, but if his reaction was anything to go by, he was pleased.   
Smiling at the man in his bed, he got up.   
"Come on, sleeping beauty. Time to get on the road."  
Soon they were ready to go. Since Cas still had his mojo, he was ready almost instantly, watching Dean get dressed and packed.   
They got in the car. As Dean started the car, the radio turned on, as usual. But unlike usually, there was no classic rock, but a choir, loudly proclaiming "Zum Go-o-ottesgeri-i-icht"  
"What the hell?" Dean exclaimed, as he hectically hit the button.   
Cas, however, looked content as he said "ah, Lohengrin, Richard Wagner."  
He turned to Dean, who just looked at him and said "no wonder, you've never gotten laid before." He then drove off, demanding "I'm serious. Who the hell is messing with my car. Nobody gets away with harming my car!"  
That being the only incident, they soon arrived at their next motel. This time, however, he booked a room with one bed, since Cas didn't really need sleep, but if he did, like yesterday, they would sleep together. The knowing look he got from the guy at the reception almost made him regret it, but then he thought, whatever, 's not like we are in Texas. So, on the way to their room, he grabbed Cas' hand.   
As it was still early, just past noon, they decided to go out for lunch, since Dean hadn't had any breakfast. He got a cheeseburger and a coke, but Cas just looked at him helplessly and confused, before he ordered the same. It was kinda funny to see the angel, who had no trouble fighting demons and rebelling against Heaven, thrown by a menu.   
The burger was delicious, even Cas seemed to enjoy it, although he muttered something about moleculs. The diner even had apple pie, which Dean had to introduce Cas to.   
After lunch, they followed the lead Dean had found about Ezekiel.   
It was a bust. No one had seen anyone who looked like Sam. At dusk, Dean was defeated. He had put a lot of hope into finding Sam here. As a result, he was more grumpy than usual, but fortunately he had Cas. The angel kept him from doing something unreasonable like running into the closeby forest and demanding Zeke to come here or going to the nearest bar to drink until he couldn't remember his own name. As it was, he sat on the motel bed in Cas' embrace. After a while, Dean relaxed and returned the hug. Drained from the search of his brother, he fell into a fitfull sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a short chapter, but I thought I'd give you a chance to leave if you don't like unhappy endings.... ;)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again: spoiled ending ahead! Advance at your own risk.

Suddenly he was back in the hut from his African Dream Root-induced nightmare. He was facing himself again, heard him tease "You are nothing. As mindless and obedient as an attack-dog." Dean tried not to listen. He didn't want to hear what he had always known said aloud. After all, that was himself talking. Sure, the Dream Root had a part in it, too, bit that didn't change that the Dean in front of him said what he had often thought and buried. "all he ever did was train you, boss you around. Sam, Sam he doted on, Sam he loved." That hurt. Sam and Dad fought more often than not, but even when they fight, it's more affection than he ever showed him.  
"your own father didn't care whether you lived or died. Why should you?" He wanted to shout that it wasn't true, he had died to save Dean, but then he remembered when he laid in the hospital after his heart attack and Sam had tried everything to heal him, yet still Dad didn't answer his phone.  
The scene changed and now, he saw the motel room again, after a shtriga almost killed Sammy. His dad held little Sam in his arms looking at Dean accusingly "I told you not to leave this room. I told you not to let him out of your sight!"  
He saw himself telling the story to Sam years later, finishing with "Dad never spoke about it again. I didn't ask. But he, uh, he looked at me different. You know? Which was worse. Not that I blame him. He gave me an order and I didn't listen, I almost got you killed."

Dean woke with a gasp, the memories still vivid in his head. They were right, he realized. How could he relax in Cas' embrace, when Sammy needed help?   
"Are you alright?" Cas asked. Somehow, Dean still found himself hugging Cas. It was like he hadn't moved at all. Slowly, he crawled out of it, answering "Fine, just my dreams"  
"I thought we had ended it." Cas sounded confused.  
"No, it's not that. Just some memories." He soothed him.  
As he got up, he decided to go home again, since there was nothing to be done here. Still with his thoughts centered on the memories he just relived, he found himself hearing Sam's voice at the asylum they had visited shortly after they had started hunting together, before everything went to Hell. "Are you that desperate for his approval" he had asked after he, too, called him dad's 'good little soldier'. "I'm not pathetic, like you"   
Shaking his head to get rid of the memories, he shoved them down, locking them away again. But it seemed like once the seal was broken, they were not so easily locked away.   
"I always trust you. And I always end up screwed." It was the most recent one. Kevin had said that, not long before he had died. The kid was right. Hell, he had tried running away from Dean, but Dean just dragged him back in. Sure, he had wanted to help him, but now he was gone and Dean failed to save him.   
If Cas noticed, that he was more distant than usual, he said nothing. In the evening, they stopped at a motel again. The whole drive through, Dean had lived in his memories, wondering, why the surfaced now. The worst hadn't even come up until he was at the reception and heard something shatter in the background. "As he breaks so shall it break" he heard Alastairs slimey voice. And if that memory was not enough to break him all over again. It had been his fault the apocalypse started. He had broken the first seal when 'the Righteous Man sheds blood in Hell'. He hadn't been strong enough. He hadn't known! His father had held out much longer, but no, Dean broke after three months. After what was thirty years in Hell, he hadn't been strong enough to withstand Alastairs offer to trade being tortured with torturing and he even enjoyed slicing into those poor souls.   
Barely hearing what the woman at the reception said, he took the key and went upstairs. He wondered what it all meant. Once in his room, he fell on the bed, ignoring Cas. He knew what it meant. His memories told him, what he already knew. He didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve peace and he didn't deserve what he had in Cas. It would not end good for Cas anyway. He knew that. The Winchesters were cursed, he most of all.   
When he looked up again, he saw Cas watching him.  
"Listen, Cas." he began. "This thing between us..." he swallowed hard. That's the reason, he usually just had one-night-stands. No awkward conversations. He just hoped Cas ubderstood, but he had to end it. Dean wanted it, god, he wanted it so much, Cas had to know it, he had seen it in his soul.  
"I can't do it."   
Cas looked confused. Anyone who didn't know him, who was acostumed to reading his emotions in the little changes in his face, would not see, that he was also hurt.   
"I don't understand. You want this."  
Hoping he wouldn't have to look at a broken hearted face, Dean explained.   
"I'm poison, Cas! People get close to me, they get killed." Kevin, Pamela, Frank, hell, Sam and Cas had died several times. "or worse" Garth, Adam, Benny, Lisa.  
Cas' face now showed his definitely breaking heart. But -bless his heart- Cas didn't question it. Instead, he asked. "If you don't mind, I would still like to help you with finding Sam." After Dean nodded, he continued "I will join you at the bunker, then. Pray for me, if you need me." With that he left. Dean stared for a while at the spot where he had been standing with an aching heart, before he fell into a restless sleep.


End file.
